Posted on February 4, 2023

Many couples engage in couples counseling without knowing what to expect. Some might come in with the hope of improving their communication or conflict resolution skills, however, most couples expect their significant other to do most of the work.

According to relationship and marriage expert Dr. John Gottman, couples wait an average of six years after being unhappy before getting help. Research has also shown that factors such as client’s attitude, beliefs, and fears are key elements in predicting success in couples counseling. Therefore, it is important to understand that it will take commitment and an understanding of the process of counseling in order to experience change.

If you desire to have success in couples counseling, here are three components that will most likely ensure success:

1. Ability to Listen and Be Humble

Counseling provides both you and your significant other with a safe environment and a neutral zone to be open and honest. The goal is to practice openness in order to allow yourself to be vulnerable with your partner by sharing those feelings and thoughts that might otherwise be masked by anger, frustration, or sarcasm. This will likely create empathy and compassion in your partner.

If you are the listener, you may have heard your partner’s requests or feelings regarding your relationship issues about a hundred times. However, CHOOSE to listen and do so without interrupting. Practicing the simple skill of listening can promote trust and improve healthy communication. 

2. Willingness to Accept Responsibility and Change

Often times, couples engage in therapy with the hope of “fixing” their partner. Unfortunately, this approach only perpetuates the problem. Instead, focus on your own personal growth. Identify the areas in your life that would be problematic in any relationship and accept responsibility for your own behaviors within the relationship that has contributed to the problem. Sometimes, relationships are like mirrors, they can reflect areas in our characters that are in need of change. Focus on your own growth. If both partners are focused on being self-aware and taking responsibility for their actions, there is a higher chance of success in counseling and in couple satisfaction. 

In addition, some couples might also expect their counselor to “fix” their relationship within 3-4 sessions. It is important to understand that some of the negative patterns of interactions and resentment in your relationship were built over time. Which means, it will take time to learn how to resolve your differences in effective ways. The role of your counselor is to provide a safe environment and help you and your partner understand your unique contribution to the problems in the relationship and provide you with the tools to work through those problems. Both you and your partner have to be willing to put the work into your relationship in order to have success.

3. Prioritize Couples Counseling

In order for couples counseling to be successful, couples must set aside time to prioritize their relationship both in and out of session. It is important to plan ahead. If you have young children, it is important to find childcare in order to attend your sessions consistently. It is also important for couples to set aside time outside of their weekly sessions to connect in order to build on the skills that they are learning.

If you have tried to work out your differences with little to no success, therapy might be your last resort. If so, why not give it all you got? Couple counseling can be a great tool when you feel stuck. If you are looking for a couple therapist or marriage counselor, let’s connect at [email protected] and see if I am a good fit for the both of you. 

Many couples engage in couples counseling without knowing what to expect.  Some might come in with the hope of improving their communication or conflict resolution skills; however, most couples expect their significant other to do most of the work.

According to relationship and marriage expert Dr. John Gottman, couples wait an average of six years after being unhappy before getting help. Research has also shown that factors such as the client’s attitude, beliefs, and fears are key elements in predicting success in couples counseling. Therefore, it is important to understand that it will take commitment and an understanding of the process of counseling in order to experience change.

During a casual conversation with a friend, I was asked if I tend to see “pretty messed up relationships” in my practice.  I quickly replied that I believe that we are all a mess to some extent, to which he agreed with a nod and laughed hysterically.

You might be asking yourself, where is this going?  Well, I believe that most of us are not born knowing how to have a healthy relationship. It's trial and error for most of us. One of the reasons why I love couples work is that it can be simultaneously beautiful and messy. When you have two people from two different families, different upbringings, and different cultures, you are bound to have struggles. However, it can also be a beautiful experience as you allow yourselves to go through the process of self-discovery with your partner. You will begin to better understand your core values when they are challenged or violated. You will be able to decide which values and beliefs you want to hold on to or discard in the context of a relationship. For a relationship to thrive, each person has to walk into it with the understanding that it's going to take work.

What Does "Work" Mean?

Work is being able to put an effort into understanding your partner’s background, preferences, values, and expectations. This does not mean that their values and expectations are more important than yours; it simply gives the both of you a template for understanding each other's thought patterns and why you act and think the way you do. If you are able to achieve this first step, this knowledge will enable you to move forward in your relationship and utilize it to learn how to compromise while taking each other’s differences into account, forming your unique relationship.

Now let's get back to the beautiful and messy parts. As couples, we have very deeply ingrained ways of thinking and doing. If we are not intentionally communicating and expressing our needs, it's easy to get resentful and off track because we are sometimes unaware of these subconscious expectations that can fog up the lens through which we see our spouses. The same reasons why we fell in love with our spouses in the first place can become a stumbling block when we stop appreciating and being thankful for the little things. When you become close to someone, you will see him or her at his or her worst and best, especially our spouses. This is why infidelity is so prevalent because we can often think that the grass is greener on the other side, but that's a conversation for another time.

When my husband and I were engaged, we went through premarital counseling, and it was exciting.  The reason why is because the concept of marriage was all theory at that point.  We had not lived it out yet. At the time, we were thinking about our wedding, dreaming of buying a home together, and having children (all the fun stuff).  We were not thinking about our different views on parenting or the type of boundaries we would have to set for our parents around our relationship. But once we got married, things got real very quickly. We began to see some of our personality differences. Were there reasons not to have a good relationship? No, but if we were not willing to address those issues and talk through our expectations and previous ways of doing things, it could certainly have hurt our marriage.

As I counseled more and more couples and even reflected on my own relationship, I realized that it’s the little things that often hurt our marriages: the lack of appreciation; not feeling heard or valued; the lack of quality time. The more we understand ourselves and our spouses and are able to communicate and manage our expectations, the more fulfilling and emotionally connected the relationship will become. However, it takes intentionality to prioritize our marriages.

Our relationship can provide an opportunity for individual growth and a space for the messiest and most beautiful connection ever. If you find yourself in need of a “tune-up” in your relationship, please feel free to contact Nardine at [email protected] or visit us at theconnectedmarriage.com.